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Jackie

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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2005|10:17 am]
Jackie
It would be so much easier if I didn't care.
I feel ill. Physically, mentally... whatever else.

I'm just....tired. Of everything.
I'm ready to call it a day and go back to sleep.

Best thing I can do right now is keep on going to where ever I'm headed to. I don't know where that is, but I suppose I'll figure it out. I just hate that I have to do it alone.
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(no subject) [Sep. 7th, 2005|12:38 am]
Jackie
I bet you'd like to know all the shit that goes down in Charlotte.
I'm sorry, but I simply cannot tell you.

I have finally completed homework for the night.

I cannot wait until I have my own personal un-campus space in which I can smoke cigarettes in my room freely. Whenever I want. All the nicotine I want. And then life would be splendid for a few days until I find something else to be unhappy about or until I find something to desire.

Violence perpetuates violence.
...And that's sad.

If you call me and I don't return your call, please don't blame yourself. I'll return your call eventually... after I'm done hopping in and out of this crazed manic-depressive state that I'm in. Or it could just be manic. Or depressive. Or crazed.
Either way... I'm alive until the good Lord decides it's time. Enjoyin' life one second at a time!

And water is good.

The end.

I hope you enjoyed this lil segment. It was entirely for your viewing pleasure.
Thankyoucomeagain.
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(no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2005|10:22 am]
Jackie
The words I could use to describe this weekend would not do justice.
So let's just say that I had a very interesting time and leave it at that.
(I bet ya'll are dying to know what happened, eh?)

I don't feel as if I'm a good friend.
I'm not.
That has to change.

The end.
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2005|08:53 am]
Jackie
I got a new job.
I'm a bookseller at Park Road Books.
This makes me very happy.
However, I don't like waking up at 830 to get ready for work.

School starts tomorrow.
I like it starting on Wednesday because I'm filled up with classes tomorrow and then on Thursday I have none. So it's nice and easy... a break every other day. How lovely.
Speaking of lovely but not so much...
I owe $925 to go to China.
I wish I knew someone's ass I could pull this money out of. Cause it sure ain't in mine.
Ewoh. I just said "ain't."

And... yeah...

Sometimes things just suck.
And I'm not going to be bitter today.
I promise to try.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2005|11:33 am]
Jackie
I wish that I had something more interesting to say here.
I've been busier than I'd like to have been.
I just finished summer classes.
RA training takes a lot out of me.
I'm burnt out in all arenas of life.

I'm being worn thin and I don't like it.
And as much as I want something to change... I really don't think it will.
Should I stay or should I go, now? Whoa whoa whoa.

Let me take some moments to rethink all this and I'll get back to you. In a few weeks or something.
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2005|04:42 pm]
Jackie
Sometimes people really piss me off.

...it might be you.

That's really it.

I just ate a tuna fish sandwich. I would like another, but I am out of bread.
So I will wait until I decide to buy some bread.

Time to do something productive.
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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2005|01:17 pm]
Jackie
Hm. Well. I suppose that is that.

If anyone knew or had an iota of an idea of what kind of emotional trauma/stress I've been through in the last week, you'd commend me. In fact, you might give me a cookie. I think I'd prefer a cookie rather than applause because I can eat a cookie.

In any case...

If you've been trying to reach me in the past 4 or 5 days (or so), you probably noticed that you haven't been able to get a hold of me. Right? Well, that's because I took a social hiatus and decided to completely abandon my phone for the weekend (and the better half of last week). I will most likely call you back. If I don't, please forgive my rudeness and call me because I'm so frikkin scatterbrained that I lose track of everything lately. Including myself.

That is all for now. I have to eat lunch.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2005|11:42 pm]
Jackie
3 months with Dan. YAY!
I really was hoping he'd come up here for our anniversary, but he couldn't. I would have, but I have a spare tire on my car... the donut.. and I can't really drive around except to get it fixed tomorrow. THEN! I will visit. I may go Wednesday night because I don't have work on Thursday.

Despite the fact that Howard Stern is a gross and disgusting man, I find myself watching his show. Why?...

I can't wait until fall starts because I need to get back in the groove with all this class stuff. Classes 2 days a week is a little unusual. Despite the fact that I LOVE having the extra free time, I would rather be busy because it keeps me doing something productive. Have I really done anything productive this summer?.... Not so much. In fact, I was motivated to be productive for a few weeks.. but I haven't gotten back into that for awhile. Especially the whole work out thing... I need to get back on that. I'm gaining the summer 15. I guess I'm gonna keep smoking... Lord, that is such a vain reason to keep smoking.. to keep my weight relatively stable. But we all have our vices, don't we?

In other arenas...

Relationship = good.
school = good (I've been doing better in Educ. Psych. than I thought!).
friends = good.
family = decent.
....

And well, that's about it.
I feel like such a shmuck. I probably should be updating for a reason... actually have something relevant to say...

I need to get a real job.
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(no subject) [Jul. 5th, 2005|12:34 pm]
Jackie
[I am presently listening to: |Anna Nalick]

I thought I was going a good direction in my life. But I don't think I was. I was uptight, fussy, and fake. And I guess part of me still is. For the longest time, even though I'm pretty okay with myself, I've always wanted to be someone else. And now I really don't know why I ever felt that. I think that in the general sense, I'm doing fairly well. So far. But in any case... I really don't have anything to bitch about. I'm just confused because everything around me is changing so quickly, and I'm finding my views changing when I've been pretty damn grounded in them for the last few years. I don't want what I used to want. And I'm scared to take a dive because I want to. And I'm scared of going so deep and I can't find my way back.. and that, just maybe, I won't want to.

I hate how everything is going fine and then something comes along, puts a detour in your way, and suddenly you don't even want to be on that main road anymore. The scenery is much nicer. And besides, you'll get to where you're going eventually.


Anna Nalick's Wreck of the Day cd is good. Own it.


I felt for the first time this past weekend that Denise was right. (Well... typically, Denise is always right--but that's not the point). Funny how many of the good changes in my life are because of her influence. But she was right. She was right in 6th grade when she wrote Bright Colors and she's still right now. And I wrote it all down for awhile and I looked back on it, and I realized that maybe what I want isn't that hard to obtain. Maybe I do have it in me... and I never really thought I did. It's about damn time that I feel reassured.
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2005|12:50 pm]
Jackie
In recent news...


The last few weeks kind of sucked.
Work is getting slightly more manageable, but in general it... well.. it sucks.
I get through the week by knowing that I'm going to see Dan on Friday.
And lookie lookie.. today is Friday. That makes life so much easier.

Professor Waite's funeral/memorial service was today. I wish I had more to say about it, but I think I'd rather keep it inside. What else can you say to someone but "I'm sorry"? It's just not going to be the same without her around...

I'm getting out of Charlotte for the weekend. I was planning on going to Jersey to see the family for the holiday, but it isn't practical financially or time-wise. So I'll have to see them when I take some more time off. Dan and I are either going to the beach or going to Charleston.. but I'm not sure which. In fact, I'm not sure if we're even going to those two locations.

There are several things I need to do today. After I have chinese food for lunch, I will do them.

I want to go home for a little while to see my family and whatever friends I have left there in Inverness. I'm not going to lie, I've been a shoddy friend at times to certain people and they have reciprocated that as well. There's no one to blame though. It's just lack of communication. There's too much shit at home though. I hate being there. I really only go to see my family and friends, but even still, I feel myself slowly melting into mush with each minute that I'm there. Maybe I'm being too harsh.

In any case... chinese food sounds damn good.

The end.
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(no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2005|06:53 am]
Jackie
Two things I must share about today:

1) I woke up at 630am for the first time in about 6 months.
2) I ate breakfast today. (This is a milestone considering breakfast is never actually eaten at breakfast time).

I feel accomplished already.

And for the multitasking part of the day... while I am drying off from my shower (that's right! I took a shower, too!) I am going to be looking up the number for the dentist office and the location of a Quest laboratory so I may get my blood panel. Wow. Yay for getting my shit together.

JUST in case anyone is on a self-betterment kick as well...

The best thing to do is to write yourself a letter and tell you how wonderful you are and that you can accomplish your goals. (It sounds cheesy, but it helps). THEN, write down a plan for each aspect of your life you want to work on. I have 3 plans: "Better Body Plan," "Quit Smoking Plan," and "Financial Plan." And I wrote down reminders and tips and what I am/are not going to do. Whenever I'm feeling like a slug, I look at it and read the letter I wrote myself telling me to get off the fucking bed and do something for once. (I got a little harsh sometimes, ok?).

And yeah.. that's about it.

I'm going to get my morning cigarette in because I won't be able to smoke until around 2pm.
I'm going from 8am until 2pm without a cigarette? OH lord.
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2005|07:27 pm]
Jackie
Sometimes... yeah.

I have a lot of shit to do, but no motivation to do it. I mean, I have motives to do it, but zero motivation to move my ass off this chair for anything but a cigarette at this point.

I don't want to do homework.
I don't want to work out.
I don't want to do laundry.

BUT, I do want to get this homework finished and be on my way to being a better teacher. I do want to be able to be satisfied with my body in a bikini (especially since I'll be spending superlarge amounts of time at the pool with the two girls I sit for). And I do want clean sheets and clothes. Clean sheets, mostly. With Botanical Bliss fabric softener... (Thanks, Jess!).

So... having said that.. Do I want to do nothing and get... nothing done, or do I want to do something and be on my way to having a clean bed, a better body, and a pile of finished homework?

Something. Yes. Definitely the latter.

In closing, next time I update I will: A)Have clean sheets (or at least have them in the washer/dryer). B)Be on my way to having superlean sculpted abs, buns, and thighs. And C)have my Educational Psych. homework completed and on my desk, ready to be stapled.

It feels kinda nice having an... outer, written conversation with myself.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.
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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2005|03:47 am]
Jackie
Fuck. It. All.

I'm going to drop my classes, sleep, watch VH1 and MTV all fucking day, and forget about life for... just about ever.

Not that I have much of one right now anyway.
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2005|11:13 pm]
Jackie
Haven't updated in the last...hmm.. forever, because I've been A)busy, B)lazy, and C)didn't have internet for awhile.

Summer classes have commenced.. as well as summer RA duties.. not so bad. Erin and I have been having a fabulous time making dinner, shopping, working on our self-betterment program, shopping, eating, shopping, Oprah... lots of Target and TJMaxx...

My friend Becca is leaving tomorrow for Ecuador and I don't know when I'm going to see her next, and that sucks because I'm going to miss her a lot. I've got to get up early tomorrow (10am is pretty damn early, OKAY?!) and take her to the airport.

Charlotte's pretty boring for the summer. I kind of wish I were home just so I could see people and hang out with my friends, but then again, I've got a lot going for me up here... I've also got my friends up here and Daniel (all of whom I love dearly). I guess there are both good and bad things about being here and being in Inverness... there's definitely more going on here in Charlotte (even though that's pretty much..err..nothing).

Yeah... so yeah... in other news:

I was thinking about someone yesterday. And that's all really. I just thought.. Got bitter.. Got angry... and then got sad. But then I thought about everyone else in my life and how wonderful they are. I have great friends and family and I'm so blessed to have them in my life. And even if someone (name withheld) is not in my life anymore, I still feel blessed to have had them in my life. And whatever he/she so chooses to do in life and whereever he/she goes, I truly wish the best for him/her. And maybe one day, things will be reconciled.

Actually...Collapse )

And that's pretty much it. Now that I'm thinking about things, I'm kind of blah. I'm going to call Dan and feel better.
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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2005|06:12 pm]
Jackie
Summer RA training started today. Glorious.
I think it's going to be an interesting/fun summer. No doubt.

In other news: Wed. is one month with Dan. <3 <3 <3
yay.

I'm going to starbucks now to read before I have to be back to work on decorations at 830.

I know this has been an enthralling entry, but please, try to keep your pants on.

Thank you.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|12:18 am]
Jackie
I just sneezed.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|12:10 am]
Jackie
In short because I'm super-tired....

I died my hair "Brazillian Tan" today. It's a slightly redder shade of my dark brown. Take that back---I didn't die my hair.. Maggie did. Thanks Magz. She did a super awesome job, too. Especially for her first time hair dyeing.

I completely f*ed my Core exam today. And not in a good way.

I miss Lauren Mombo.

He's just not that into you is a pretty damn good book. And I realized that most of my time wasted on guys was just that.. WASTED. (And by that, I mean NOT intoxicated). Most of these guys were complete wastes of my time. And I say most. But not all. And speaking of boys... my boy is fantastic. Actually, he's superwonderfulandIthinkhe'sthebestever.

In other news:

I will be arriving in Inverness on Sunday night. That would be May 01, 2005. I may be arriving with an extra human being who goes by the name of Daniel. But that's an "if" situation. We aren't quite sure if it's a yes or no yet. And this announcement basically means: If you happen to be in the Cooterville (Inverness) area and you want to say Hello, call me. I have a list of people I want to see during my short 3-4 day stay. And if you want to be permanently placed on that list, please do call and reserve your spot while appointments are still available.

Uh.. yeah. I'm not that busy, so that was just a joke. Okay?

Dear JEFFERY: WTF Mate. How about you call me back for a change. That would be wonderful, especially because you know I love you and miss you and want to talk to you!!!!!

Dear Shawn: I thought about you the other day. And I decided that you suck.

Dear Andrea B.: I'm happy for you. (Except that he left for some weird country).

Dear Jul: Love you bunches. And yay for you!

Dear Denise: I think you're amazing. And mom and Jen miss you.

The end.

(This is the longest entry I've written/typed in about forever).
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2005|05:13 pm]
Jackie
If someone were to shoot me or my uterus, I think I would be okay with that.

I hate school right about now.

I hate being a female.

I hate that I'm running out of plugs and have no midol.

Why is my boyfriend wearing eyeliner?

Can I please just go home?


In other news: I got noted as a member of the Janusian Junior Honor Society. AND AND AND I got the Dana Scholarship which will really help out my family with finances for next year. Even though $500 isn't much in the long run of Queens tuition costs... it's enough to help ease the wallet a little bit. I am happy.

CONGRATULATIONS TO NICOLE FOR BEING AN AWESOME R.A.!!!!!!



The end.
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(no subject) [Apr. 16th, 2005|11:42 pm]
Jackie
Been a long since an update, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

I've been tremendously busy over the last few weeks, and thank the Lord that next week is the last week of classes! Then it's a week-ish break and I start more classes.

I'm ready to call it a night... I've been working since 4pm today and I haven't taken much of a break. Only when I went to Moe's with Becca for about 15 minutes. I have approximately 4.5 things checked off (out of 11) on my to-do list for schoolwork. Which does not even contain all the things that I need to have done by next Monday.
But at least I got some done.
Tomorrow is going to be just as busy as today was.
I am not excited about this.
However, a good plan for me would be to wake up early, get to brunch, get started on work and don't stop until: A)I need a smoke break, B)I get hungry again, C)I have to use the restroom, or D)my boyfriend gets back from Asheville.
(Yes, I said I have a boyfriend. Although, for security purposes, he shall remain nameless) (What security purposes?, you ask) (And I tell you to discuss that with him) (Although I can say this about him: I think he's great).

In any case... I've had a few things on my mind lately. Nothing too important.
I really had no reason to bring that topic up, did I? If it's not important or I'm not going to share it, why bring it up?
I'll ponder that one and get back to you.
In a few weeks.
('Cause that'll be the next time I update).

There's a funny rolly noise in the hall and I'm curious as to what it might be.
However, I'm too lazy to get up and see.
It's most likely something I care not to see anyway.
I think I'm going to greatly miss my residents once they are gone.

It's sad how one can become so numb to what matters in life. Things may not last, but it doesn't mean it wasn't real. A flower is real, but it will eventually die. That's just how life is. And if you don't open yourself up and allow yourself to be vulnerable sometimes, then you'll never know. You'll never fill up that void because you won't allow yourself to. And you'll end up hurting people, including yourself, because they want to break down the walls that you keep building.
Good fences don't make good neighbors.

I'm peacing out... like a.. cookie.
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(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2005|10:10 pm]
Jackie
This is so ridiculous.
But at least I'm amused..

The end.
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(no subject) [Apr. 5th, 2005|11:36 pm]
Jackie
Nothing new.

Weekend with dad went decent. My mom thinks I need to take anti-anxiety medication because my nerves really do get the best of me. (Take for example, the time I went to church with my family and the evangelist guy was there, and I almost freaked out for no reason)(or when before my dad came I felt physically sick to my stomach because of my nerves).

It's only Tuesday... the rest of the week is yet to come. I did, however, get a few things scratched off my mental to-do list...

I'm a bit confused on some certain issues in my life. I need some guidance.
I don't just want guidance, I need it. Otherwise, I'm pretty much screwed.

I think I'm gonna call it a night. Hopefully, I won't oversleep for Brit Lit.

I was thinking about sex today... (yes, I know, not uncommon)... and I thought about how I haven't really had that amazingly passionate experience that I really would like to have. It isn't just physical.. it's the mental and emotional connection that I really think I've been missing out on. (Speaking of which, I've been missing out on sex, too, because I haven't had it in.. hmm.. ever. No big deal though). But what else is it, if you can't connect on all levels? I don't plan on having sex in a long time so I guess it really doesn't matter, does it?

Okay.. I'm done. That was my minutely thoughtful post for the month.
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(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2005|11:26 pm]
Jackie
Today in review:

(+)Woke up
(+)Went to Brit Lit to take a test.
(+)Went to Core
(+)Went to registrar
(+)Did I go to lunch? I don't remember.
(+)NO! I didn't go to lunch... I went for pancakes with Kaitlin.
(+)I then went for coffee with Andrea.
(+)Visited Jess in Hayes.
(+)Went to dinner.
(+)Went for more coffee with Erin.
(+)Went for ice cream with Erin.
(+)Came back to Albright.
And.. uh, that's about it.

Oh yeah and my dad is coming tomorrow.
Let's guess how thrilled I am about that one.

In any case... yeah.

The end.
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2005|10:47 pm]
Jackie
We actually did something in aerobics today. I, for the most part, worked on the eliptical machine and my legs hurt pretty damn badly for about 3 minutes. I should work out more often I think. Get out my agression on certain douchebags who shall remain nameless (*coughJONcough*).

In any case.. Jess and I were at Starbucks for a helluva long time today, and it was nice. We got our shit done and got out our frustration with the male gender.

Screw men. Screw them all. (I feel a lot like Julie now... the whole man hating thing..). Screw them. I'll take boys instead. They're more impressionable and I can mold them like silly putty.

It's a joke, people. I'm not a pedophile, got it?

I think I might go work out tomorrow?
Oh lord... I'm feeling motivated.
(By the time tomorrow morning rolls around however... that idea will be the farthest thing from my mind...).

I have earrings for sale. I made them on my own and they are the shit. Who wants to buy some? All proceeds go to: "Jackie and Jeannine go to Guatemala and help little school children and fulfill our destinies Foundation." You know you want to.

That is all. Goodnight.
I'm sneezing a lot.
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2005|10:27 pm]
Jackie
Dear God: It isn't funny to smite me. I'm not very amused.

Dear woman at McDonalds: ugh.

Dear Jessica: I heart you. And boys suck dick.

Dear Becca: thanks for the coffee.

Dear Oprah: I think you're awesome.

Dear Spider Solitare: You suck. I hate you.

Dear Jon: I think you suck even more. I think I hate you, too.

That's about it for now.
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2005|09:26 am]
Jackie
You've GOT to be kidding me...

One of the TOP NEWS STORIES is Peeps. (Oh, you know Peeps... the pastel colored animals of marshmallowy goodness... that they put out for every Easter... AND other holidays like July 4)... Oh yeah, the news did a story on Peeps. Apparently, these delectable critters are "indestructable." They survived a crane, a shooting range at the local police station, the claws of death from the fire department... but they didn't survive a group of 5 teenage boys on bikes and skateboards.

And we thought Peeps were immortal.....


Peeps. On the news.
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